Accepting the Unexpected

For the past several years my hair loss has been what I consider stable. I know that I have lost more scalp hair, but once you are to the point of wearing a wig that doesn't matter so much anymore.

About 4 years ago

About 2 years ago

Today








 

Apparently, my hair has also become a lot whiter! So while there has been less on my scalp, my eyebrows and eyelashes (once they returned) have stayed full. Despite having caterpillar like eyebrows, I've been more hesitant since their regrowth to pluck or wax them. Obviously, I know they're unattractive at their fullest, but voluntarily removing something that I fear losing again seems wrong. However, I decided after losing them before that should they fall out again, I'll simply get them tattooed on. The art of eyebrow tattoos have come so far it seems like a no brainer.

 

This brings me to my recent discovery.

 

Earlier this week while applying my make up, I found that I am missing a small, maybe 1/8" section of my eyelashes on my upper right eyelid. I know it is minor, both in size and considering all of my other hair loss. To me though, it's crushing. I have wonderfully thick, long, and dark eyelashes. To be without them looks odd.

 

I never used to wear eyeliner until I lost my eyelashes the first time. It looks more normal for me to have something dark on the edges of my eyelids instead of nothing. Now, even if I put on no other make up, I put on eye liner. To me it's keeping up the habit in case the need should arise again. I doubt any other person will notice what's missing. I see it like a flashing neon sign every time I look in the mirror.

 

Seriously, I tired to take a picture of the missing section, but you can't see it. I guess that's good, but you can bet it won't stop me from checking for more loss every day, probably multiple times.

 

These are the days that are the hardest. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me. I know that something so much worse could be happening to me. I will allow myself to be sad, but I can't wallow in it. I will allow myself to check in the mirror, but every time I do, I have to leave myself a positive affirmation on a post-it on the mirror. I will accept the unexpected because what other choice do I have?